Monday, December 04, 2006

Calorie-Free Evil

Even while I sit here writing this with 20 feet and a refrigerator door separating us, I can still hear them calling me. Is it the corn syrup? The caffeine? The aspartame? I'll never know for sure, but they tempt me with their sugarless-wiles and break my anti-soda resolve time and again. Clearly, they're a tool of satan...evil incarnate. Certainly lesser imps and demons like Dr. Pepper, Coke, and (dare I say) Pepsi taste better, but they don't hold a candle to downing 12 ounces of absolutely useless fluid with a horrible after-taste.

What is this forbidden fruit you say...this tool of Satan? Diet Dr. Pepper.

My wife has been communing with the serpent for the better part of her life. Her soul has long since been lost to the Diet DP. Like Adam, I find myself tempted. Unfortunately when I partake, I don't become aware of my wife and I being naked. We've been married too long for that (right honey? :->). Now, where was I? Let's see...wife naked...what was I talking about? Oh, yeah...

In my most recent weakness when I gave into temptation and was elevated to that higher, caffeine-laced plain of existence, all manner of joint pain brought me crashing down. In a state of agony, I turned to the Internet, the one true voice in the web of lies (*cough*). In it, the eternally truthful ones state that one study shows Aspartame to have caused joint pain in 10% of users with 100% experiencing relief upon stopping its use and the same experiencing recurrence on starting again. Could it be that simple?

I prayed to Water and asked him to forgive my foolish ways and flush this poison from my system. And while my joint pain has not left completely, it is enough for me to see Aspartame in its true and scaly with a bifurcated tail carrying a pitch fork.

So long Diet DP, low calorie protein powder, and all manner of sweeteners. I'd rather drink Tab.

Disclaimer: No I'm not drunk...just goofing around.



At 12:23 PM, Anonymous funji said...

Are you sure you're not drunk??? :)

At 1:41 PM, Blogger Hap Moorii said...

I think you know the answer to that...


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